Her cheeseballs make excellent Christmas gifts

2003-06-28T16:33:00.000-07:00

My kid looks like a neaderthal. She was running, fumbling, full-tilt (as toddlers often do) and ran head-first into the table. I mean, I thought she broke the table she hit so hard. Instantly she had a goosegg the SIZE of a goosegg, bruised, nose bleeding. I about passed out. Naturally, I panic and rush her to the ER. She's fine in the car and then proceeded to run and play all over the ER. Mom met me there and we both agreed she was probably just fine. Her eyes were fine, she wasn't vomiting or acting like she was sleepy. When the nurse told me it would be at least a 3 hour wait, that clinched it. So, I took her home. Poor kid. She's definitely going to have two black eyes and a big 'ole knot right between the eyes, but at least I have the first big scare out of the way. My birthday is tomorrow, and instead of aging one year I have aged 5....just today.

On another note, I think I fucked up. I took a pic of her after the accident because I wanted D to see it and, like an idiot, I sent it to the baby's Dad. What was I thinking??? Talk about ammo. Then again....I know his Hotmail password and can just go in and delete it later. *Insert evil grin here* Good thing he doesn't know I know it.

But, hey, it has finally stopped raining. Granted, the mosquitoes are the size of pteradactyls and it really isn't safe to even stick a finger outside without a blood transfusion. At least I'll see the benefit of the exercise I'm getting sprinting to and from the car whenever I want to go anywhere.

I wrote D a poem. Wanna read it? Sure ya do....

Vanilla Sky

Vanilla sky, pink, soft, warm
As my lover’s skin.
Light invades my senses.
Is it true light or love?
Is it emotion or touch?
Tactile memories rule my days.
I welcome the fog, long for the reverie.
Needy soul cries for her touch,
Her Smell,
Her taste.
Can I exist beyond her?
Needing our worlds to meld as one,
I’m entranced day after day.
I live
For her.
For the future she holds.

Yeah, I got the vanilla sky part from the movie, mainly because the beauty of it stuck with me. It's also funny that I can only write decent poetry when plastered. I guess Dylan Thomas had the right idea.

2003-06-22T10:20:00.000-07:00

Things to do in Florida when it's raining........

1) Watch the snakes take refuge on your back porch.

2) Watch the geckos ride on the backs of the snakes that are taking refuge on your back porch.

3) Beat the snakes with a broom when they try to come in your back door.

4) Watch my Mom's Shih Tzu swim out to take a piss.

5) Watch the kids swim in the pool in the rain, in the lightning and wonder where the hell their mothers are.

6) Start a pool with the neighbors on how long it's going to take the lake out back to flood our apartments.

7) Clandestinely build a drainage system to the lake so you win the pool while sandbagging the shit out of your back porch.

8) Use all the dead snakes that have been beaten to death with your broom as filler between the sandbags.

9) Watch TV

10) Bake

11) Watch TV

12) Chase your toddler around fishing all the bugs out of her mouth that are saving themselves from drowning by wedging their way under your door and into your apartment.

13) Gain 15 pounds in two days because there's nothing to fucking do except watch TV and eat everything you've baked.

14) Program the Poison Control Center into your speed dial because you're tired of having to dial the number everytime your toddler eats a beetle, centipede or mole cricket.

15) Set up camp with full view of back door and front door, alternating between beating snakes with a broom and sucking bugs up the bug vacuum, all while watching TV and stuffing chocolate chip cookies into your mouth.

2003-06-20T20:52:00.000-07:00

I am so fucking undisciplined. It's finals week and do you think I've taken my final yet? Hell no. Do you think I've even done my final project yet? Hell no. Oh well...I have until June 27. Procrastination is my friend. It's the Cancer in me. I can't help it.... Yeah, that's it. Hey, I made my Ebay payments on time.

Oh yeah, the doctors weren't able to give me any answers throughout my 452 doctor's appointments, probably because I wasn't able to cough up another $700 for tests. Communist bastards. Oh well, I still have pain pills, which I have to say ROCK!

I have been playing Martha Stewart sans insider trading this week. My cute little patio is filled with herbs and flowers and trails upon trails of miniscule ants. Hairspray kills the fuck out of them. Now what do I do about the trails upon trails of petrified ants stuck to the stucco outside? Oh Maaaaarthaaaaaa..... doubt that's on her list of Fine Things.

2003-06-02T19:27:00.000-07:00

Jeez...it's been awhile since I've been here. A multitude of reasons come to mind, but first and foremost is the blinding pain I have been in for the past 10 days. I've had several doctor's appointments, so much bloodwork I get lightheaded at the thought, and have taken so many pain pills I am the poster child for Darvocet and STILL don't know why this is happening. Originally, it was thought to be lower back troubles, but X-Rays showed nothing. Now, my gyno thinks it's probably my endometriosis back or ovarian cysts. OH JOY. So much for all the money I have. Now, due to lack of insurance, it's all going to doctors and potentially surgery. Canada has the right fucking idea when it comes to health care. Why, when we are the richest country, do we not have something like this in place? It sucks.

On a lighter note, my baby D might be coming to see me soon. I CANNOT WAIT to see her again. Just to be able to see her and feel her again will rejeuvenate me. She is the most wonderful person on the PLANET and I am so thankful for her. What she sees in me I'll never know, but I'm just glad she loves me as much as I love her.

The baby is so cool. She's walking and talking and is generally the most awesome kid that ever lived. Now that I've said that let me just say that she was a royal pain in the ass today. It's payback for me getting her ears pierced yesterday. She was such a trooper and only cried for a couple minutes, but man oh man was she pissy today. Terrible twos at 13 months? I sure as hell hope not.

2003-05-19T21:53:00.000-07:00

Ahhhhhhh....what a week! I have been spending my time moving out of my stifling little apartment into a (insert Bobby Trendy voice) luxuuuurious new apartment. I am LOVE-ING-IT! 1400 sq feet of pure heaven with a view of the lake and a big lanai. I have a huge kitchen, two bathrooms and the baby's room is on the other side of the apartment, so I no longer have to tip-toe around at night. $1000 a month well-spent, I gotta tell ya. On another similar note, I am loving my new room! It's huge and with my new bedding, I am spending all my time in there at night. It's doubling as an office for me, so I'm all set! It's done in deep purple and yellow tones. Heaven! Now all it needs is D and it would be complete. *sigh* I miss her so much.

Now that I've expressed the joys of the move let me just say that moving sucks ass! Gawd I hate it. I paid movers to move me, but it was still a royal pain in the posterior region. My obsessive-compulsive self didn't allow myself to stop until it was completely put together, which took 1 1/2 days, then a day to collapse in a heap. Gracie and I took a 4 hour nap the day after it was done. Jeesh, that was an awesome nap though. Can't remember the last time I did that. Oh yeah, I do remember...it was pre-baby!

In the middle of the move I got a call from my doctor. I went to see him last week for all this pain I am having. I mean, come on, I shouldn't feel like a 70 year old woman when I get up in the morning and spend most of my waking hours in pain without explanation. He said that my thyroid was probably screwed up, which would give me arthritic symptoms, so I went to have a whole array of blood work done. He called the day after and said my liver enzymes were way elevated and to come in Thursday of this week for a liver scan. Oh joy! Now, I'm nervous as hell as to what's going on. Thankfully, I'll have the results of the liver scan right after I get them in the office so I guess that's something. Jeeziz...I need a valium.

2003-05-12T08:07:00.000-07:00

I just found out I don't have to work for another year! FAB-U-LOUS! I'm so happy that I get to stay home with Gracie. The thought of putting her into daycare was sending me into fits. To make a long story short, I worked for Rent-A-Center and basically got treated like shit because I am a woman. SO after I quit, this lawfirm contacted me and said I would receive $1000 if I participated in the class-action lawsuit against them for sexual discrimination towards women. Last week I got a check in the mail for over $15,000. WTF? Apparently they awarded point values for specific incidents and mine totaled to that much. I think I pissed myself when I saw that! So, anyway, it's going to allow me to stay home with the baby while I'm finishing school and I can't be more happy. Guess that guy shouldn't have grabbed my ass, eh? Makes me wonder what I would have gotten if I had fibbed on what happened to me. DAMN! Had I known....yeah I woulda lied, wouldn't you?

2003-05-09T14:10:00.000-07:00

There was a time when I was heterosexual. I dated guys all through high school and even married one. (total asshole...I won't get started on that) When I left my ex-husband, I moved to another state with a guy friend of mine. He was/is in love with me. I spent about a month drunk after I got there and lo and behold, I got pregnant. I freaked. Literally freaked. I tried to have an abortion and couldn't go through with it. All it took was for me to hear her heartbeat and that was it. I was hooked. I think about that sometimes; how I almost didn't have her. It wracks me with guilt now, but most people would tell me it was perfectly understandable given the circumstance I was in at the time. She is the best thing I have ever done and the best thing I will ever do. The point of this story is HER DAD IS DRIVING ME APESHIT! We live in two different states. He hasn't seen his daughter in almost a year and he begs me incessantly to get back together with him. As if. He's an alcoholic, egocentric asshole who doesn't even take care of his 4 FOUR kids. Well, I suppose that last statement isn't fair. He does pay child support, but he isn't there for any of his kids and, even though he says he wants to be, doesn't go out of his way to see them. He lives 3 houses away from his other kids and barely has any contact with them at all, not to mention the fact that he walked out on Gracie last August and hasn't been back. Amazes me.... dark moment over. Back to regularly scheduled programming.

2003-05-09T09:28:00.000-07:00

I was just in the kitchen and actually found myself doing little dancing moves with The Wiggles. (How in the hell do I link this?? Jeeziz I hate html) I really need to get out more. I think they probably have little subliminal messages for the parents who are subjected to this tortoure of child programming. And while I'm on the subject of The Wiggles. THEY ARE SO GAY! It's not a sterotype of British gay tendencies, either. (But have you ever noticed that?) They were doing this song about ballerinas and the guys were actually doing little ballerina moves. OMG I spit coffee all over the floor. All they needed was neon pink mesh shirts and a cosmo and I would have been convinced definitively.

2003-05-08T14:19:00.000-07:00

I think I'm addicted to Ebay. I love that fucking site. Sometimes I wish I had all the money back that I've spent there, but then I wouldn't have my 'One of a Kind' peridot ring(s), beading supplies, or my new smoothie machine. I think I have a buying addiction, though. I find myself buying more when I'm bored or depressed. It's probably classic "there's something missing from your life" syndrome. Trying to fill the void with baubles that really mean nothing. But I really neeeeeeded that smoothie machine! (petulant pout)

Is there a way to block yourself from going to specific sites? Yeah, here I am, the person going to school for a Microsoft certification and I'm asking ya'll? There's gotta be something wrong with that. The 'something wrong' is that I should be studying instead of blogging, but hey, sometimes you just have to say, "What the fuck?" (50 points for who can tell me what movie that's from. 50 more if you can tell me what movie my title is from.)

******SAPPY SENTIMENT ALERT!****** I'll do my best to warn you of these moments before hand so you can either grab the barf bag or read on.
I miss D. God I miss her! She has a signature scent. It's a vanilla musk oil that is Heaven (with a capital H). I wear it on my wrist everyday just so I can feel like she is with me. How pathetic is that, I ask?? Those in love say it's not sappy at all. Those who aren't or are the walking wounded just bashed their coffee cups up against their monitors. D does the same thing with things that remind her of me, though. So, I guess I'm not the only one. Nanner nanner!

I swear to God, the Gevalia coffee people ROCK! I have been getting countless emails from that company getting me to try their coffee. So, one day I get one that offers a 12-cup stainless steel coffee maker with the first month order, no S & H, and cancel at any time. So, I said, "What the fuck," and signed up. Yesterday in the mail, I get a Cuisinart stainless coffee maker. This is NICE! I love it! It's programmable, has a clock and a charcoal water filter. $14.95 well spent. Which reminds me, I gotta call em up and cancel. Hey, I may be happy with the coffee maker, but that's $14.95 I could be spending on Ebay.....oh shit I got a problem (read I need a therapist).

No really, I'm not that fucked up. Everyone has a degree of fucked-upedness and I think I'm pretty low on that totem. My life is pretty great, working through all the latent childhood hostilities by telling my high school first love to go screw himself (more on that later) was pretty empowering. The only issue I have is coming out to my parents. That's gonna be a massacre. They are so upper-class, white bred, republican bleeding, my kids have to do the 'right' thing. Not gonna be pretty. *sigh* oh well...that's only if I get up enough courage to tell them. I'll probably just move to California and not tell them til they figure it out. Yeah, that's it. Procrastination is my friend.

******ON SOAPBOX ALERT******

Speaking of California, I'm really pissed off at that state right now. I'm on a lesbian Moms mailing list and heard today of a woman in CA who is trying to get her ex-wife's second parent adoption on their second child nullified by saying California doesn't have any laws in place that support any second parent adoption. She is justifying her own means and her case has threated 10,000 second parent adoptions in that state. If this passes, all those people will potentially have their adoptions nullified. Just so she can keep her ex away from her biological children, which is really shitty because her ex is just as much a mother to the children as she is. I hope there's major protesting, which I'm sure there will be. I wish I could go! Someone on the list said to sick the dyke police on her. Somebody call Gloria Steinham.

******END OF SOAPBOX ALERT******

I gotta get busy. I am moving into a new apartment in a week (read haven't gotten shit packed) and have class tonight (read haven't read the text).

2003-05-08T14:18:00.000-07:00

Time to talk about D. She's so amazing, warm, kind, funny, sexy...I could go on and on. I met her online December 8, 2000. We clicked instantly. The connection we have is uncanny. We always know what the other is thinking and feeling at all times. It's kinda eerie sometimes. Neither one of us bought into the whole meeting and falling in love online thing, knowing all along that meetings like that are doomed from the start. Funny thing is....we did....fall in love that is. We have spent time together in person, mind you. It's not like I'm in love with a person I've never met. The situation is so freakin' complicated. When we met, we were both married. We both knew we are lesbians (oh yeah, did I mention that yet? ) She has been in a lesbian relationship. I, on the other hand, haven't, D being my first.

I remember the exact moment I realized I was a lesbian. I am not one of those people who feel it from birth. I didn't realize it until I was 26 years old. Well....I didn't admit it until then. It had been creeping up on me for some time, I just kinda pushed it back into my subconscious. Gee, is that why I fantasized about women while having sex with my ex-husband? Humph, go figure. Anyway, I was laying in bed, alone thank God, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Holy SHIT! I'm a lesbian! At that point, I started to explore that side of myself. It was about 6 months later that I met D. She had gotten back with her husband at that time after having left him and having a relationship with another woman. She wasn't happy. I wasn't happy and we found each other. In the span of two years, she left her husband, I left my husband. I got a divorce, moved to Texas, and in a moment of weakness got together with this guy and had a baby. Yeah, I know, how scandalous. Wouldn't change it now for anything, though. But, that whole thing kinda made her get into a vulnerable place and feeling like she and I would never get together, she allowed her ex back into her life. Now, even though she doesn't want to be with him, guilt and circumstances aren't allowing her to leave him just yet. We are in the midst of planning our lives together, though. It's gonna be great once we can GET there. Jeeziz...told ya it was complicated. Not to mention shes in Cali and I'm here. It's a toughie for sure. Anyone have the magic lotto numbers on 'em by any chance?

2003-05-03T15:49:00.000-07:00

I have recently been sucked into the world of blogging. Three weeks ago, I was among those un-hip masses who never even knew what a freakin' blog was. Now, I've found that I want to be a part of the narcissistic group who feels we have to air our lives for all the world to see. So, I ask myself, "Self? What they hell am I going to write in this thing?" I mean, c'mon. I have never prided myself on being this totally introspective, cool person who diligently writes prophetic entries in her journal day after day. I've been known to write some mildly good poetry, but only in those love-struck moments that don't give you any choice but to compose prose to the one you love. Hell, I think I would have stood under her window and called it out to her if she weren't 3000 miles away. But that's another story....

So, where do I start. Let's talk about the world that is Costco. I love Costco. I could live there. How could you not? Enter the doors and I can almost hear angelic voices sing. I spend SO much money there. But, it's totally worth it. My 12 month old daughter loves all the little samples and one can never have too many throw pillows, Gloria Vanderbilt capri jeans and 128 packs of corn dogs. Speaking of which, I need a bigger freezer.

I digress....

Let me just talk about my life. I'd have to say my life is better than it's been in...well, hell....ever? I have the most beautiful daughter in the world, we'll call her Gracie, the most gorgeous, kind, loving woman in the world to share my life with, going to school full-time to get the MCSE certification (which is fucking haaaaaaard!), independently wealthy and able to stay at home with the baby. It's great. Could be better, though. Having D 3000 miles away really sucks. Hopefully in the next year we'll be able to be in the same state at least. That's such a complicated story.... I'll talk about that later. Anyway, things are cool. In one month I'll have officially been in South Florida for a year. I think I'm getting used to it. I've never been a big fan of 'fake' IYKWIM (that's if you know what I mean for all y'all not familiar with online logo); I much prefer natural settings and everything....EVERYTHING is manicured here. It's really sickening, actually. Hello-ooo, how many more palm trees and gardenica bushes do we really need? There were 167 of each in the last block....better get some more! I really need to figure out how to do the comments and the picture posting. God, I hate html. Maybe I'll have to break down and figure it out.